Officially unemployed

As of today I am without a job. This is one of the reasons I have been giving my testimony. I have been on a journey and right now I am just about to take a huge step of faith, I have left my job.

As I have said before, I certainly have not got it all together, I am not some uber spiritual guy, who is always walking in spirit and truth. I have not got this big mission set up, a calling to go out somewhere into the world. I believe I am acting in faith though.

I keep saying I, Tanya and I are stepping forward in faith and this effects our 3 children as well. We are all in it together, with God.

As I was saying yesterday about being challenged and changed, well we are being challenged about every way we live our life, being changed for His purpose. I actually felt God saying when I made this decision, that now I am giving my life totally to Him.

When we made this decision, there were a lot of reasons, a lot of worldly reasons, like travelling and job fulfillment, there were a lot family reasons, like the amount of time I spent away, the moods I would be in as my body clock readjusted, there were God reasons too, like not having the time to do His work, to have fellowship, to regularly commit to things. There were all these reasons. But I have prayed and prayed for God to be in this, He has answered prayer, people have come to us with words from God, we have had those same words, they have generally been about focusing on God, not the world.

I am without a job, I have a mortgage and bills and all the other stuff that goes with that. I can only rely on Him. Believe it or not, I feel great, I am not worried. This is a situation which is dire, as far as the world sees it, But I have something else. I will have bad moments, but I am not going to worry.

Over the last 2 weeks, I have also felt God really start to challenge where I am going, how I am thinking, I have been reading a lot, and getting really inspired, so God is talking and stirring me, that is great. I know He is with me, I know He is leading.

I also know there are a lot of people who read this blog, I have a site meter. I would ask for your prayers right now, that is all, spare us a word to the Big Man and remember F.R.O.G.

What next

I'll just carry straight on from yesterday. I had just had this real and personal experience of Jesus, what now?

I did an alpha course, which was good at just reintroducing me to church a bit and I got to know some new people.

Then those songs I didn't know, I suddenly realised weren't about me, they were about God, and about worshipping Him and I love to go for it worshipping God. I'm very loud, I don't know if I'm in tune, but that isn't the point is it.

In August of 2006, I got involved with the youthwork at church, which has ballooned since, which has also lead to some great relationships being formed, real friendships.

I have been set free. I am heaven bound, I have a new life. That is the fact now. I suppose the question is, what do I do with that freedom, what do I do with this life?

It says in Romans, that some people will get into heaven by the skin of their teeth. I believe that is those who just accept Jesus and all that He offers. They accept and then fail to act. Because I know Him, because He is inside of me, because I want that relationship with Him, He is changing me, He is challenging me. Forward.

I struggle with all sorts of hangovers from my life, but I want to continue to step forward, I am weak but He is strong, He is with me leading the way. I hope I have the guts to keep following.

That is where I am at right now. I am a Christian, who is listening, feeling, loving, reading, praying, singing and asking God, where now, what next? I will not stand still on my faith, more on this tomorrow

The big push

I was busy yesterday, its good to be busy.

When I moved to Diss, I didn't really know anyone, except my now 2 remaining brothers ( remaining in town that is, they are all still alive). Tanya started to go to a small ladies group, and then church, then she was really filled with the holy spirit and baptised.

I watched all of this, pleased. I started to go to church with her, I didn't like it though, I complained about the songs, the preaching was not real preaching. I still went, I was still asking the questions. I just did not know how to make that next step. I started to read my bible, finding out that God is not vague, He is quite clear on most subjects, the biggest point being, to surrender your life and will to Him.

I wanted to do so much of the worldly stuff still, I still wanted it to be about me, but life for me was getting me nowhere, and I was having a relationship with God, where I knew He wanted me to live His way, I wanted to wait till I was 30, then give my life to Jesus, I had every excuse. I was going nowhere, I wasn't good enough, the drums were playing loudly in my head.

One Sunday, the sunday before mayday 2006, a guy called Martin, spoke at church, about giving your all, in everything we do, he spoke about passion and about prayer, about the word of God and about worship. Something in me stirred. On the Tuesday morning, I drove to work, and I prayed, I want to know more of you God, and I worshipped God, I sang songs from my childhood, because that is all I knew. I gave my life to Jesus, I wanted Him to have my all, there and then He filled me with His spirit.

At work, I kept on singing to myself, I couldn't wait to get home. All the way home I sang and cried, when I got home, I went to go and get my bible, I wanted to read His word. I never got to the bible, 1 verse resonated in my head;

John 3:16 " For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life"

Right at that moment, God was speaking to me, He sent Jesus for me, Jesus died for me, if it had of only been me, He still would have done it. I cried like a baby. I cried as well, because I knew that most of the world does not know, He loves them, so much. They'll never be good enough, He loves them, they can keep searching, He is waiting, He knows it all, He has seen it all. He is there.

The Next Step

Back to my tale.

I have already said, that throughout this story, I was searching. Well it got to a point, where nothing else made sense. You cannot have 2 conflicting truths, karma cannot sit with grace, the spirit world cannot sit alongside heaven. So much of what I had read, seen and listened to, started to fall down. I was left with God, the God of my childhood, the God I had prayed to, but I still didn't think He had it right.

As I said the other day. Tanya and I, with our 2 boys, had moved into a caravan, a bit difficult, we were searching for more, for freedom, for escape. I still had my job, so I had to commute quite a distance, and at this time, I began to pray, I mean I really started to talk to God, question, chat and pray for people. I still didn't get it though, I was still justifying myself, justifying anything I did wrong, justifying my desires, I was still doing so much, that was wrong, destructive and dangerous. I thought God was alright with it, scripture is vague, there are all these gnostic gospels to give me more excuses, I can still know God, but I don't have to do anything. I was getting somewhere though.

After a couple of months in the caravan, we wanted a house again, but we refused to go back, we decided to drive around and find somewhere new, somewhere fresh. We drove out into the country, to the seaside, to different places, and then one day, we stopped for lunch in Scole, which is a village, next to the town of Diss, where at the time, 3 of my 4 brothers were living, everything felt right. We went to the different estate agents. There was this big house, for a bargain price, we just wanted.

So we moved to Diss.

In my head

When I got with my then girlfriend, who became my wife, my head was a mess. I had so many questions, so many desires. I thought I had been missing out on so much. I thought my life had been so sheltered, and everyone else had been living. I thought there were so many people I knew who were good people. I thought God had to be more of what I wanted rather than what He wanted. I was bitter with what I saw as constant judgement, I did not see any life or freedom in Christ.

I went looking for easy answers, I read books on other religions, I looked into the occult, where you seem to get proof, but proof of what. I still loved Jehovahs witnesses coming to my door, so I could argue with them, every Christmas and Easter there was a prayer from me that went up to God, to thank Him and every time I was in need, I called out to Him. In my darkest times crying out to Him.

With the birth of our second child, Tanya dropped into post natal depression. I did not understand. I don't think I wanted to. I looked after the kids as best I could, worked my socks off and started to drink very heavily. I grew bitter with Tanya. You can't see mental illness, its not like being phyically sick. There are happy times and then there are dark times.

I grew angry, I lost my temper easily, and that destructive anger is something I still struggle with now. I started thinking and behaving very selfishly, started folllowing the world more and more. There were drugs and drink and my behaviour with women was inappropriate. Me and Tanya's relationship was up and down like a yoyo. We even briefly seperated and when we came back together, things started to change.

Firstly, Tanya came out of her depression, it was not the counselling or the drugs, one day she picked up a bible and started to read. ( If you ever get the chance, Tanya's testimony is on her blog somewhere). As a couple we started to question everything around us, we started to question the world, our lives, our spirituality. What had we achieved, where were we going, We decided to leave our Hometown, Grays, we left the trappings of society, the house, the friends, I kept my job, we moved into the caravan we owned.

More next time.

Lost

I wanted a picture from lost, because it is recognisable. I watched the first 2 series, then when it moved to sky. I gave up. This is my continuing story of where I am and how I got here.

I ended up in some horrible and scary situations in my life, I am thankful to say that the girlfriend I moved out with, became my wife, eventually. Before that we ended up living and working in Majorca, which was a fantastic time, with some great adventures, but also a time of danger and for one of the first times in my life, that my life was threatened, due to my drunkenness ( not sure on the spelling there).

We returned home, to marriage, to a mortgage, to a son, (Morgan )some may say, to boredom and conformity, to work, and I was still only 19.

At 20, I got an offer, from some irish gypsies, to go to work in Germany, tarmacking. I went with my best mate, leaving wife and son behind, to go and earn my fortune for them. After enough adventures to fill its own book, I once again escaped with my life, literally running, being chased, and being very scared, and very glad to get home.

This incident affected me alot. I came back to England and once again settled into normality. After nearly losing my leg in a steel yard, tearing my hands on sacks of tea, getting seriously frozen cleaning freezers, smelling from salmon packing, working production lines and being a security guard, I got a wonderful job in an oil refinery, where I have been working for the last 10 years, as of yesterday.

So professionally, I started to get it together, I was still very messed up in the head. This is dragging on, so I will continue tomorrow..............................

Beginnings

I have had what many would call a different life. As a child, difference is like a disease, as I have grown, I look back and see what has made me and I notice the sometimes boring lives of my peers and realise I was blessed. I was born in Belfast, Northern Ireland, but moved to England as a very young child, (although I retained my accent for many years) my father was a minister, and got a job at a baptist church in Grays, Essex ( Don't worry, I'm not writing a life story, I will try to be brief). I, at this time, had 3 older brothers and a lovely mum, and I, even though I was so young, have some wonderful memories of this time in my life.

My mum died when I was 4. Cancer. As a 4 year old, the only thing I remember in my head, was thinking, was that my mum had gone to heaven, no more pain. I think we could all do with looking at things like a child sometimes. Simple, but honest.

My dad remarried, he resigned as a minister, we had to move, we gained another brother, things were very different, what seems in my memory, very quickly.

As I grew, in our new home, I started to encounter things I had not before. At school, I was a paddy. I started to notice, we were not very well off ( something, we probably never were, but I had not noticed, the world has a lot to answer for). I started to experience different forms of church, I have to say, I saw some amazing things, heard some great people speak, met some really cool people. As I grew, I probably became more ashamed of this to my peers. that disease, difference, while I actually spoke to God more, my life was moving farther from Him. I never denied Him, I never said His name in vain. He was there in my life. Just at the back of my mind, until the quiet moments. Or Sunday morning. My life moved my way.

God was there watching. I wanted to do my thing, to fit in, to be me. Drink, drugs, sex and rock and roll. At 17, suddenly, living with my girlfriend, no family, no church, God forgotten, in my quest for me.