The big push

I was busy yesterday, its good to be busy.

When I moved to Diss, I didn't really know anyone, except my now 2 remaining brothers ( remaining in town that is, they are all still alive). Tanya started to go to a small ladies group, and then church, then she was really filled with the holy spirit and baptised.

I watched all of this, pleased. I started to go to church with her, I didn't like it though, I complained about the songs, the preaching was not real preaching. I still went, I was still asking the questions. I just did not know how to make that next step. I started to read my bible, finding out that God is not vague, He is quite clear on most subjects, the biggest point being, to surrender your life and will to Him.

I wanted to do so much of the worldly stuff still, I still wanted it to be about me, but life for me was getting me nowhere, and I was having a relationship with God, where I knew He wanted me to live His way, I wanted to wait till I was 30, then give my life to Jesus, I had every excuse. I was going nowhere, I wasn't good enough, the drums were playing loudly in my head.

One Sunday, the sunday before mayday 2006, a guy called Martin, spoke at church, about giving your all, in everything we do, he spoke about passion and about prayer, about the word of God and about worship. Something in me stirred. On the Tuesday morning, I drove to work, and I prayed, I want to know more of you God, and I worshipped God, I sang songs from my childhood, because that is all I knew. I gave my life to Jesus, I wanted Him to have my all, there and then He filled me with His spirit.

At work, I kept on singing to myself, I couldn't wait to get home. All the way home I sang and cried, when I got home, I went to go and get my bible, I wanted to read His word. I never got to the bible, 1 verse resonated in my head;

John 3:16 " For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life"

Right at that moment, God was speaking to me, He sent Jesus for me, Jesus died for me, if it had of only been me, He still would have done it. I cried like a baby. I cried as well, because I knew that most of the world does not know, He loves them, so much. They'll never be good enough, He loves them, they can keep searching, He is waiting, He knows it all, He has seen it all. He is there.

The Next Step

Back to my tale.

I have already said, that throughout this story, I was searching. Well it got to a point, where nothing else made sense. You cannot have 2 conflicting truths, karma cannot sit with grace, the spirit world cannot sit alongside heaven. So much of what I had read, seen and listened to, started to fall down. I was left with God, the God of my childhood, the God I had prayed to, but I still didn't think He had it right.

As I said the other day. Tanya and I, with our 2 boys, had moved into a caravan, a bit difficult, we were searching for more, for freedom, for escape. I still had my job, so I had to commute quite a distance, and at this time, I began to pray, I mean I really started to talk to God, question, chat and pray for people. I still didn't get it though, I was still justifying myself, justifying anything I did wrong, justifying my desires, I was still doing so much, that was wrong, destructive and dangerous. I thought God was alright with it, scripture is vague, there are all these gnostic gospels to give me more excuses, I can still know God, but I don't have to do anything. I was getting somewhere though.

After a couple of months in the caravan, we wanted a house again, but we refused to go back, we decided to drive around and find somewhere new, somewhere fresh. We drove out into the country, to the seaside, to different places, and then one day, we stopped for lunch in Scole, which is a village, next to the town of Diss, where at the time, 3 of my 4 brothers were living, everything felt right. We went to the different estate agents. There was this big house, for a bargain price, we just wanted.

So we moved to Diss.

And now for something completely different

It is the weekend, the youth cafe was very good last night, not as many kids, it still being the Easter holidays, but very relational. Had some really good chats, as my brother would say ' caring, not selling'.

Anyway I'll get back to me next week, as it is Saturday, here is my favourite joke;

Irishman, American and Russian sitting in a pub, having a discussion on who the superior race is.....
" Ve are zi superior race of course, ve put the first man in space" Exclaimed the russian. " Yuri Gagarin, first man up there, you know I am right."
" No way Ruskie" said the american"Now we put a man on the moon, your lot still ain't managed it, 'One giant leap for mankind' that was us, we are the greatest."
"Now I hate to be disagreeing with you gentlemen there now" Put in the irishman." But I am afraid you would both be wrong, because, you see, us irish we are planning to send a man to the sun, now surely that would make us the superior race?"
The american and russian, both looked shocked and then started to laugh and laugh.
" You idiots, you send a man to the sun, he'll shrivel up before he gets anywhere near." Said both.
"See there you go now, underestimating the irish again, do you think we haven't thought of that" replied the irishman." Do you think we are that stupid, we are going to send him at night."

I thank you, and good night.

In my head

When I got with my then girlfriend, who became my wife, my head was a mess. I had so many questions, so many desires. I thought I had been missing out on so much. I thought my life had been so sheltered, and everyone else had been living. I thought there were so many people I knew who were good people. I thought God had to be more of what I wanted rather than what He wanted. I was bitter with what I saw as constant judgement, I did not see any life or freedom in Christ.

I went looking for easy answers, I read books on other religions, I looked into the occult, where you seem to get proof, but proof of what. I still loved Jehovahs witnesses coming to my door, so I could argue with them, every Christmas and Easter there was a prayer from me that went up to God, to thank Him and every time I was in need, I called out to Him. In my darkest times crying out to Him.

With the birth of our second child, Tanya dropped into post natal depression. I did not understand. I don't think I wanted to. I looked after the kids as best I could, worked my socks off and started to drink very heavily. I grew bitter with Tanya. You can't see mental illness, its not like being phyically sick. There are happy times and then there are dark times.

I grew angry, I lost my temper easily, and that destructive anger is something I still struggle with now. I started thinking and behaving very selfishly, started folllowing the world more and more. There were drugs and drink and my behaviour with women was inappropriate. Me and Tanya's relationship was up and down like a yoyo. We even briefly seperated and when we came back together, things started to change.

Firstly, Tanya came out of her depression, it was not the counselling or the drugs, one day she picked up a bible and started to read. ( If you ever get the chance, Tanya's testimony is on her blog somewhere). As a couple we started to question everything around us, we started to question the world, our lives, our spirituality. What had we achieved, where were we going, We decided to leave our Hometown, Grays, we left the trappings of society, the house, the friends, I kept my job, we moved into the caravan we owned.

More next time.

Change of Plan

I am away today, so I will not be continuing with my mini bio, until hopefully tomorrow, short thought for the day though.

I was in a couple of bookshops the other day, tiny Christianity sections. How come the thing that was the reason behind the printing press, how comes, that freedom of literature begotten ( cool word) by the protestant reformation has been consigned to a couple of shelves near the back of every bookshop.

Amazing how many biographies there are, how many self help books, business books. It is a world of me, me and me. Have a good look around. This me business isn't doing the world too good, is it?

There is more to life than you.

Lost

I wanted a picture from lost, because it is recognisable. I watched the first 2 series, then when it moved to sky. I gave up. This is my continuing story of where I am and how I got here.

I ended up in some horrible and scary situations in my life, I am thankful to say that the girlfriend I moved out with, became my wife, eventually. Before that we ended up living and working in Majorca, which was a fantastic time, with some great adventures, but also a time of danger and for one of the first times in my life, that my life was threatened, due to my drunkenness ( not sure on the spelling there).

We returned home, to marriage, to a mortgage, to a son, (Morgan )some may say, to boredom and conformity, to work, and I was still only 19.

At 20, I got an offer, from some irish gypsies, to go to work in Germany, tarmacking. I went with my best mate, leaving wife and son behind, to go and earn my fortune for them. After enough adventures to fill its own book, I once again escaped with my life, literally running, being chased, and being very scared, and very glad to get home.

This incident affected me alot. I came back to England and once again settled into normality. After nearly losing my leg in a steel yard, tearing my hands on sacks of tea, getting seriously frozen cleaning freezers, smelling from salmon packing, working production lines and being a security guard, I got a wonderful job in an oil refinery, where I have been working for the last 10 years, as of yesterday.

So professionally, I started to get it together, I was still very messed up in the head. This is dragging on, so I will continue tomorrow..............................

Beginnings

I have had what many would call a different life. As a child, difference is like a disease, as I have grown, I look back and see what has made me and I notice the sometimes boring lives of my peers and realise I was blessed. I was born in Belfast, Northern Ireland, but moved to England as a very young child, (although I retained my accent for many years) my father was a minister, and got a job at a baptist church in Grays, Essex ( Don't worry, I'm not writing a life story, I will try to be brief). I, at this time, had 3 older brothers and a lovely mum, and I, even though I was so young, have some wonderful memories of this time in my life.

My mum died when I was 4. Cancer. As a 4 year old, the only thing I remember in my head, was thinking, was that my mum had gone to heaven, no more pain. I think we could all do with looking at things like a child sometimes. Simple, but honest.

My dad remarried, he resigned as a minister, we had to move, we gained another brother, things were very different, what seems in my memory, very quickly.

As I grew, in our new home, I started to encounter things I had not before. At school, I was a paddy. I started to notice, we were not very well off ( something, we probably never were, but I had not noticed, the world has a lot to answer for). I started to experience different forms of church, I have to say, I saw some amazing things, heard some great people speak, met some really cool people. As I grew, I probably became more ashamed of this to my peers. that disease, difference, while I actually spoke to God more, my life was moving farther from Him. I never denied Him, I never said His name in vain. He was there in my life. Just at the back of my mind, until the quiet moments. Or Sunday morning. My life moved my way.

God was there watching. I wanted to do my thing, to fit in, to be me. Drink, drugs, sex and rock and roll. At 17, suddenly, living with my girlfriend, no family, no church, God forgotten, in my quest for me.