300

I could have used a very obvious picture today, but I have moved a bit away from doing that at the moment, but this is my 300th post, which of course makes me think and look back and reflect.

Something I am doing a lot of at the moment, is looking back and letting go. I have done so much in my life, and in a kind of MOT fashion, I am looking back through it and making sure I am carrying no guilt or shame with me. There is so much I could be guilty and shameful about, so many dark places I have been and caused, but I have been set free, I want to make sure I grasp that freedom properly.

I was thinking this morning about a lot of my friends, who seem to have so much and what they rely on for happiness or fulfillment, like money, work, sex, possessions, status. I actually asked, what makes me different, not just why am I different, how do I appear different to them?

I have not got any money, or status, I don't have paid employment, my possessions of financial worth are very little, I am and never have been a sex god. The house we are staying in at the moment is uncomfortable and a bit unhealthy and not ours, a lot of my week is me at home with a 2 year old. Why would my friends look and wish to know what I know.

There is a freedom in me, a freedom in which whatever I face I should be joyful and aware of what I do have and which I carry no baggage. It is the reason I can right 300 posts on this blog, because I am a private person, but here I am babbling it all out, I can talk about my emotions without needing to be drunk or on something, it is the reason I was able to give up my job, lose my house and be as skint as I am, looking bankruptcy in the face, without the upset or worry that I know many others will feel, supported and loved by a huge family throughout, in faith that all will be ok. My worth does not come in what I own, although I like nice things, I am still worth something, when I seem to have nothing and every day I feel more confident, with the less I have.

I have a wonderful wife, who is as passionate in her faith as I am, which is great when you dream like we do. We have 3 children and one on the way, they ain't perfect, they are great, and what a privilege I have to be the one at home supporting them in their growing. I am laughing as I am writing this, as during the writing of this blog, Turaya has wet herself, wee everywhere, and I am writing of the blessings of being at home with the kids, God is a very clever teacher.

It reminds me that the other week I was thinking about how other people get their backs up when someone talks about certain subjects, for instance marriage or parenting, I was saying to others that we should all be open to listening, then this week, on Sunday, the talk was on work, I was on the defensive within seconds. God is a very clever teacher.

My biggest point at the end of all this is that the things that those I know put their faith in, cannot last, no matter where I am, not only will what I have last, but I have a responsibility to show it lasting.

Feel Like Singing

I feel like singing, nothing particulary brilliant happening right now in my life, probably the opposite in worldly terms actually, I am really feeling excited and when I am in this mood, I want to listen to good music, rock out and sing, I have been adding loads to my playlist, going well out there, with memories and sing alongs, it is amazing what music and singing evoke within us, what a gift.

Turaya, my daughter, is 2. Right now she loves to jump, she jumps first thing in the morning when she gets up, she jumps, with my help, down the stairs, if you are walking with her at the moment she jumps every couple of steps, she loves to jump. The biggest place she loves to jump though is in puddles, she seems to have a magnetic attraction to puddles, which means she gets wet. This morning I asked her not to jump in puddles, she told me very matter of factly " I jump in puddles."

Of course I will stop her from getting her own way all the time and stop her getting so wet, but I just laughed at this expression of who she is and how she feels, she jumps in puddles.

I suppose I just want to be free enough to say I am this and this is how I express myself, big full stop, and I suppose the big point is, I am that free and I can express myself, I don't really feel I have expressed myself very clearly here, it looks a bit random to me, but that is ok, I suppose a subtitle for this post is Random Expression. I get it.

Writing it Down

I feel like I am on a bit of a roll again with this old blogging lark, quite enjoying sitting down again and splurging my thoughts on to the page. I feel a bit of freedom as well from not having the site meter on the page, I am no longer looking to see who is on, who is tuning in, I am doing this, expressing me, not preaching at you, thinking and I suppose to a certain extent hoping that some people out there get something from these words. Anyway, enough of the mindless drivel.

I am also feeling Tanya and I are on a bit of a roll in our prayer life, we don't want to stop, we are really having some great times of sharing and building and dealing with real issues, in our life now and in the past, with God's help.

I have for ages kept a book for prayer, to remind me of people who need peayer and those who have asked me, because my memory is rubbish, even as I write this I have just remembered someone I said I would pray for and I need to write name down, or I will forget again.

I have felt what would be a good idea, as tanya and I are spending this time together, is to write down the stuff we feel God is saying to us, a reminder for when we trip up, a reminder for when we don't think God speaks to us, a reminder for when everything looks bleak, something to learn and grow from, to make sure it goes in.

In other words, I was writing down the stuff I want to say to God, now I am going to write down the stuff He says back.

Temporary Power

I was listening on the radio the other day to a discussion about the current political situation and the behaviour of the current government, on this programme their was an advisor to a previous labour government, he said the current government seem to have forgotten that the power that they have is temporary.

Probably like the tory government before them, they have sat in power for so long, they have started to believe it is their right. Power is temporary, it is given and can be taken away.

There are areas in everyones life where we have to remember that the things we have are temporary, the power, control or ownership of things is temporary and it is given or allowed.

It is not our right, it is not our decision, for everything that we can try to own or make stand as a testament to us or who we are, anything we try to desperately try to hold on to, will eventually fall.

Jesus said in Matthew 6.

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust
destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.
20But store up for yourselves
treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves
do not break in and steal.

Responding/Doing

Last year I wrote a lot about responding to need, I think, if I am who I say I am and follow who I say I follow, then I should always try to respond to need, wherever and whenever I come across it.

Last night Tanya was sharing something from the bible with me, from James 2, where James speaks about faith without deeds, which over the years has been quite a contoversial bit of the new testament, due to people worrying that others would get the wrong end of the stick and think that to be saved, we must do good deeds. I believe even Martin Luther wanted to take James out of the bible, so that no one would get confused.

Anyway, the point I got from it, was that I go on about responding to need, within that statement there is an opt out, e.g. I can see no need, so I can rest easy, where as James speaks of doing good. There is no opt out of doing good, even if I am sitting within the healthiest and wealthiest, there is probably need, probably more need spiritually, it may not be as apparent and from that I can sit back and choose not to look for need and therefore I do not have to respond.

But if I am to 'do good' , there is no opt out, no resting on my laurels, no matter what situation, healthy or not I am in, if my intention is to do good, then I do that, no matter where I am, even within the most spiritually healthy situations, I can still do good, I should do good.

I will do good because of He that is in me, not for my salvation. Avoid opt outs.

Coiled Springs

In my last place of employment, the work was very reactive, something would happen or be going to happen and we would react appropriately. Because of this we had tv's, dvd's, playstations at one point and a well stocked kitchen. When visitors or higher management would visit us in our place of relaxation and want to know what we were doing, we would explain that we were 'coiled springs', ready to go at a moments notice. This was the case, on many occasion, leaving food, football or film, after all we were at work.



I found during these times was when you really got to know the people you were working with, learnt from each other, laughed, argued, ate and listened. Then, as I say, the coiled spring would be let go and we would be let loose onto the workplace.

I think I am a bit of a coiled spring right now, waiting, listening, working on all sorts of relationships. Also, I think, like the coiled spring I am being wound up, not in the taking the mickey way, in the building up, learning way, being made ready to be fired into an unsuspecting world, who knows where I will shoot off to?

No Artificial Colourings or Preservatives

I had a bit of a word from God the other night on growing things organically, not in real terms, although I do like to grow things, I'm just not this year because we are not exactly very settled, but in terms of how we grow the visions and dreams we have for life and how we bring them into being, especially what we have from God.

I like to read RT Kendall, in one of his books he talks about using an acrostic for when he is making decisions about where or how to go in life, it is the word P.E.A.C.E, and it stands for Providence, Enemy, Authority, Confidence and Ease.

Providence is the the thing I am talking about here, how many times do we try to push a door open that God has shut or we naively bring our own desires into the equation, or we manipulate, innocently, situations to our own way, or we rush into something, because we have had a word, or because we have had a word, dream or vision, it has to mean now, at all costs. Or we see someone else and don't understand their situation and try to push how we think God would want them to act and grow, without asking God. In this way I believe we start to add artificial colourings and preservatives to Gods word, we try to genetically modify it, we try to give God a helping hand, who do we think we are?

God grows things in His time, adds what is needed and is sure of the outcome. When I don't see the full picture, I need reminding, God does.

Prayer

What a Friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

I think this hymn sums up the attitude to prayer I want, everything about it is true.

Yesterday, Tanya and I were talking and seemed to be speaking a different language, we couldn't really understand what the other one was getting at, so we prayed and it was like a fog being lifted. The other week I was having problems with a parent at the YC, it was getting to me and I was thinking what could I do, it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't even thought about praying about it.

How often, when facing a new situation, a problem, a conversation, is there no prayer? I suppose if I am dwelling on something, over a period of time, I will pray about it, but what is my first reaction, it should be prayer, before I lose my temper, it should be prayer, before a rant, prayer, conversation, prayer, parenting, prayer, marriage, prayer, as Paul says, pray without ceasing, breathe the conversation to He who is walking with you.

It is not just the big fears, pains and burdens we carry, it is every fear, pain and burden we carry, or what peace we forfeit.

Freedom and Effort

I continue to come from under my cloud and feel freer, the weekend I have just had was great, bank holiday weekends are always good, extra time to catch up with people.

Still don't really know what shape the current months or so will be taking, but Tanya and I are having some good time of prayer and there is a momentum to our prayer, which we want to keep going, we are learning loads. One question I am asking myself at the moment is how to live out my freedom in a big way. How to express freedom in a powerful way?

I am also asking, am I putting the effort into all the things I am committed to? My main point being that I noticed I was making a big effort for some things, but other things I was just winging it.
This also led me to think about areas that I don't put any planning and effort into at all, a bit of prayer and turn up, hope it goes well, see you next week. Mainly on that last point, I am talking about the YC. We have all the stuff, games, people, tuck, pray, turn up and another one done. I am feeling there needs to be more preparation, I just don't know what yet.

Something From the Other Day

'Even when you screw it all up, God still loves you, He might even screw it up for you to show you how much he loves you.

God allowed Samson to be brought down really low, all he relied on was taken away, due to his decisions, his hair, his strength, he even had his eyes gouged out and had to work as a slave. God was with him and when the opportunity occurred, God used him to destroy more of the enemy of the time through his death than he had through his life. Once again, as I have said before, God uses weakness and if we think we are strong, He can also make us weak, and still use us.

God loves you, no matter what, Don’t let your choices be a barrier between you and God, He may knock the barrier down, because He loves and wants to know you, have you any barriers?'