300

I could have used a very obvious picture today, but I have moved a bit away from doing that at the moment, but this is my 300th post, which of course makes me think and look back and reflect.

Something I am doing a lot of at the moment, is looking back and letting go. I have done so much in my life, and in a kind of MOT fashion, I am looking back through it and making sure I am carrying no guilt or shame with me. There is so much I could be guilty and shameful about, so many dark places I have been and caused, but I have been set free, I want to make sure I grasp that freedom properly.

I was thinking this morning about a lot of my friends, who seem to have so much and what they rely on for happiness or fulfillment, like money, work, sex, possessions, status. I actually asked, what makes me different, not just why am I different, how do I appear different to them?

I have not got any money, or status, I don't have paid employment, my possessions of financial worth are very little, I am and never have been a sex god. The house we are staying in at the moment is uncomfortable and a bit unhealthy and not ours, a lot of my week is me at home with a 2 year old. Why would my friends look and wish to know what I know.

There is a freedom in me, a freedom in which whatever I face I should be joyful and aware of what I do have and which I carry no baggage. It is the reason I can right 300 posts on this blog, because I am a private person, but here I am babbling it all out, I can talk about my emotions without needing to be drunk or on something, it is the reason I was able to give up my job, lose my house and be as skint as I am, looking bankruptcy in the face, without the upset or worry that I know many others will feel, supported and loved by a huge family throughout, in faith that all will be ok. My worth does not come in what I own, although I like nice things, I am still worth something, when I seem to have nothing and every day I feel more confident, with the less I have.

I have a wonderful wife, who is as passionate in her faith as I am, which is great when you dream like we do. We have 3 children and one on the way, they ain't perfect, they are great, and what a privilege I have to be the one at home supporting them in their growing. I am laughing as I am writing this, as during the writing of this blog, Turaya has wet herself, wee everywhere, and I am writing of the blessings of being at home with the kids, God is a very clever teacher.

It reminds me that the other week I was thinking about how other people get their backs up when someone talks about certain subjects, for instance marriage or parenting, I was saying to others that we should all be open to listening, then this week, on Sunday, the talk was on work, I was on the defensive within seconds. God is a very clever teacher.

My biggest point at the end of all this is that the things that those I know put their faith in, cannot last, no matter where I am, not only will what I have last, but I have a responsibility to show it lasting.