Just Do It

I have a spare few minutes, so I thought I would blog. We have been having problems with our broadband, hopefully all sorted now, I have to say that telecommunications companys, are very annoying and seem to be a law unto their own, hopefully all sorted now.

Sailing was fun, I didn't really sail very much, due to the weather, but the experience was brilliant and I had a good time.
There does still seem to be a lot going on at the moment, that is ok, we have a family which is young and quite big and we do need to be more organised, but also, it is quite obvious that we are going to be a bit hectic and busy because we have a big young family. In other words, just trying to be content in where I am.

God continues to speak, I hope I continue to listen.

Dealing with the past, sitting in the present, excited about the future.

Good Intentions

I did plan on writing more and slowly share what has been going on lately, obviously I am not yet there with my organiasational skills, I am getting better.


We have now gone down to having 4 children again, the sister in law has spread her wings and moved into her own place. 4 children is still very hectic, teenagers are phenomenally hard work and constantly have me doubting myself as a Dad and questioning how to act in the right way, while the little ones just want the attention, which is just tiring. Today, right now, they are all great and in good places and all is well.

Street Pastors have now come to Diss, the first night out was on the 2nd of this month and was a quiet night. I am very pleased, I felt that God wanted Street Pastors here and now they are here. Lots of positives from the night and lots of things to take on board, we already have a really great relationship with the police, which is a great start.

We have just started leading a small group, which has been different and good and a real learning curve and something I am sure both Tanya and I will grow into more and learn a lot from. We have, at the moment, to look at how we can reach out more, as a group, always a challenge. We will see how that goes.

Tanya has been setting up a prayer room in the new base in town our church has acquired, it is brilliant.

Lastly, on Tuesday, I fly out to the Netherlands to take part in something called 'The Race Of The Classics.' This is a sailing race for young professionals and my company has a team and I am going. I am extremely excited, I will be racing in the vessel above, the Luciana, for 5 days and I have never done anything like this before and am hoping I can relax and enjoy it, it is something I have always wanted to do. God is good.
I am a little worried for Tanya, she will have everything on her own for most of next week, she is brilliant and will undoubtedly handle it all, I suppose I just feel a little guilty, I will find some way of spoiling her.

Consider yourselves updated.

I am Still Here

I am becoming a man of lists, which is not a problem, it is me getting organised, I need to be organised. There is a lot of things going on at the moment, which I hope to be able to share on this blog over the coming days, I will have to write 'blog' on a list, then I won't forget.

Tanya and I were at Holy Trinity Brompton on Sunday, just because we were in the neighbourhood, and we really enjoyed the service and got a lot from it, there was a lot going on and a lot of people there and everything went without a hitch. Why?

As I said to Tanya at the time, it does not just happen. There is a lot of preparation involved, practice, training, PRAYER.

I have 4 children and Tanya's sister living with us ( Until Friday), as well as the job and lots of other stuff to do. For everything to run smoothly things have to be organised, planned and prayed for. This is where I am at the moment, with lists and diary in hand, trying to be organised and getting things done.
I need to pray more, although it does not feel right on a list, it should be so much more natural than that, disciplined, something that is part of me and essential to me, to function, maybe it can start on the list until it is that engrained in me.

Ephesian 6:18
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Random quotes

Things that have spoke to me over the last few days

'Because thou art a miracle of deafness,' Pilar said, her big face harsh and broad in the candlelight. 'It is not that thou art stupid. Thou art simply deaf. One who is deaf cannot hear music. Neither can he hear the radio. So he might say, never having heard them, that such things do not exist. Que va, Ingles.........'

For Whom The Bell Tolls. Ernest Hemingway.

"Drinking beer is easy. Trashing your hotel room is easy. But being a Christian, that's a tough call. That's real rebellion!"

Alice Cooper

And can you kneel before the king
And say I'm clean, I'm clean.

White Blank Page. Mumford and Sons.

Gooooood

I am not going to apologise for my lack of blogging, there were other priorities and especially as I am feeling very anti legalism, I am not that bothered. I am sitting today, looking after my 2 girls, with a ladies group going on in the living room and me the girls in the conservatory, with Monsters Inc on in the backround and trying to stop Vitoria from eating everything she touches.

I finally feel, over my last period of time off, that some freedom and relaxation is finally returning to the heasley household. Having an extra teenager and all the change that involves of just having someone new in the house, having a teething baby, being tired and many other, quite positive things, have calmed down, or we have got use to them. The children are all well.

I spoke the other week and thoroughly enjoyed it and I have also absolutely loved street pastoring in a really fresh way. Work is good, it can be tiring, but it is good.

One of the biggest things for Tanya and I, is to spend time together and to spend time together, with God, something we are really pushing forward in, something that helps us all.

We really want to be used by God and desperately want to know where He wants us to step next, we won't find that out, unless we know more of Him and His heart.

Update over.

The nature of Faith

I was driving home from work on Saturday morning, when getting about 25miles from home, my petrol light came on, telling me I was getting very low on petrol, I was just coming up to a petrol station, but I thought, thats alright, there is one I use usually about 7 miles further on, I'll stop at that one, it was closed. It was opening in about half an hour, but I had been on nights and wanted to get home, the needle was on empty, but I thought, it can make it.

I drove for the next 18miles, with my eyes going between the needle and the odometer and praying that I was going to make it and wouldn't have to phone Tanya to come and get me with a petrol can. It was a bit of a silly thing to do for the sake of half hour, but I made it, fortunately probably down to the fact the lights on vehicles come on to give you plenty of time to get fuel into them.

It got me thinking about faith though, about taking a step and not really knowing if you are going to make it, but taking the step anyway and hoping and praying and hardly daring to believe that it is going to be ok and God is with you and is going to come through for you and all the while we look about at the signs of the world, like the odometer and needle, we look at our wallets, or our cupboards, or whatever it is and try to guess if we are going to make it, yet still pushing on. It is scary and difficult to be optimstic when the needle says empty and yet we continue to make it and God continues to provide and we will be refuelled.

Elected

I am a big fan of Alice Cooper and the Alice Cooper Band, the track Elected was one of the first to have a promotional video, I have a great live version and I am told that Alice Cooper is a Christian.
When I say this to people they usually say 'really?' 'But is he really?' It always amazes me when people say this, Bono; 'But is he really?' Kaka; 'But is he really?' John Heasley 'But is he really?' Wonderful bit of judgement going on, people that inspire and are out there in the glare of the world and the first thing we do is question whether they have a genuine faith!!!!

I digress and have now finished my little rant, it is election day, I am hoping for change, real change, I think we need it, I really want to see a big kick up the back side of the big 2, bring on a hung parliament and voting reform.

My brother Evan is standing locally for UKIP, I am hoping he does well, I have voted for him, I am not that sure about his party, but I trust him.

I also get very boring on nights like this, I am so glad I am at work all night, that means I get to go over all the results and analysis and figures and swingometers like a child in a toy shop, live. I am a bore, an excited bore, is that an oxymoron? Or just a moron.

Vote with your heart.

Turn Around

There is a new advert on the telly featuring Bonnie Tyler and the song with changed lyrics to 'total eclipse of the heart', with inserted line 'turn around Neville' , great advert, I just thought of it as I sat down to write about how God turns things around.

I do not have a lot of time on my hands right now, but I think a lot of that is down to being organised with the time I have, the diary needs to come back out, there are things that need doing. It is nice to get up from just finishing my nights at work and have a few hours now, I can write this blog and make a list of things to do. I am quite happy keeping my blogging to a minimum, until I can do it more, then I will. There are exciting times ahead this year and loads of things coming up, that will not happen unless they are planned, so being on top of things is going to be important in a freeish way, I have also decided to take up exercising and lose a bit of weight, we will see.

I have a few people I know right now, who are in dark situations, I think they need to listen to God singing ' turn around Neville' or whatever their name is. God will turn things around, He has a big plan, which is so hard to see sometimes, so hard to see the bigger picture, sometimes pausing and thinking where God might be taking you or saying to you is a challenge but one that might help, turning around and looking at what is really going on and getting the bigger perspective can be the key to moving forward. also it is great to remember that however dark the situation, God can turn it around and make something beautiful out of it. There are plenty of examples in the bible, I know plenty of people whose lives have been changed absolutely miraculously from darkness to light, from empty to full, from nowhere to somewhere, including mine.

In Freedom

For a while now I have been a right grump, not all the time, but grumpy all the same, thinking too much, trying to achieve, aiming high, pressure. Being a bit judgemental and self righteous and not really acting out Love. I suppose I have lived behind a wall of trying to be 'good' or 'right', believing this is the way to closeness with God, scurging my life of impurities, which just leads to further rules and pressure and religiosity and churchianity and away from love, relationship and the thing I am seeking more, growth.

I believe the reality is about living in the freedom and relationship that I have been given with God and allowing the Holy Spirit to continue to work in me, guide me and grow in me, not putting myself under pressure and then having to deal again with shame and guilt and fear. It has been dealt with, the continuing challenge, is to live in that freedom, and every time, shame, fear, guilt or things that are not from God come at me, deny them the right to live in me, because of the victory Jesus has won over it all.

I continue to learn and grow, sometimes the basics are the hardest to hold on to, living in salvation and freedom everyday is a choice.

News

About 3 weeks ago Tanya's sister came to live with us, which of course has made our house busier and more community minded than ever and of course has taken some getting use to, mainly on my part, as I am not very good at dealing with change.

Anyway, I once again have digressed, Cheree, my sister in law, has jumped into her new environment, getting involved with everything around her, the youth from church, meetings, sporting activities, the home and her and her sister have been talking alot. This culminated in her giving her life to follow Jesus on Easter Sunday.

Good news and encouraging as we grow as a family in our relationships where God can be brought into everything. This house belongs to God.

Dentists

I am not good with dentists, a mixture of bad experiences when I was younger, bad teeth and the fact that in general it is not a very nice experience. I had not been to the dentists in about 5 years, up until last month. Everything was fine, up until the xray, which found damage and an absyss to a tooth, meaning, my worst fear, a tooth extraction.

Last Wednesday I went along to my new dentist to have my tooth out, not looking forward to it, yet intent on being brave and praying throughout and letting the dentist know I was going to be praying throughout. Which I did.

It was painless and very smooth and I prayed and as far as I am concerned, it worked.

It is my belief that prayer works, that God was with me in something as simple as a tooth extraction, walking through everything with me. It is also my belief that not only is He with me, prayer changes things and helps. I am well encouraged and feel well inspired to battle on in prayer for the more supposedly impossible situations.
God is big and with me.

Choices

I really believe, although it is very easy to say, that a lot of peoples continued pain, shame and guilt and the way they respond in life to these things, is down to choices.

As I say, it is very easy to say and not everyone has a choice about where they are in their lives and yet, as a Christian, I am told to be joyful always in Thessalonians 5 verse 16. That is hard and I believe I have said it before, it does not mean walking about with a huge fake grin on my face all day. It is about making a choice to be different, to take a step back when it is all going wrong and act differently, to act joyfully, even when it is all going to pot. It is to show the world that I know joy and I know all the other fruit of the spirit and I can express them in such a different way because the joy, peace, love, etc. that I know, is from God and it is living inside me, sometimes so deep that others don't see it, I have to decide to bring it out and shine what and who I am to the world, so that then, God is seen and I live fully.

A bit of a rant, meant joyfully.

Ministry

After speaking on Sunday, someone approached me and said they had a word for me. They said, in a more descriptive way than I am going to put it, they believed God was saying to me, to put my energies into 2 distinct ministries and run with them, not getting tempted into getting involved with other things.

I see this as a very sensible word and one wich I have been challenged and thinking about since, in a positive way. I am aware that I have a large family and a job, I am also aware that I have my fingers in this and that, concentrating on 2 things is a good idea.

The first thing I thought of when the person started praying for me on Sunday was Street Pastors. When the person had finished praying, they said the same thing. I really feel that I am meant to bring street pastors to Diss and believe it is God's plan.

But what else, what goes and what stays. Funnily enough, I do feel, right now, that speaking is not the thing I should be concentrating on. It is something I have dreamed of doing, enjoy doing and feel I do relatively well at, yet I want to be able to bring more to the table when I do speak and this means getting my hands dirty first, in other words concentrating on things more practical now and being able to share more vocally later. I continue to think and pray and ask the questions about all I am involved in.

Newspapers

Tanya and I gave a short interview last week to the local newspaper about the coming of street pastors to Diss, it was a very enjoyable experience, yet I was left wondering if I had said the right things and if was going to be misquoted, there are always stories of people's words being twisted around to say something completely different.

The article in the Diss Express was very good and balanced and obviously even though we had talked for quite a while with the reporter, there was only some choice quotes used. I am just pleased that it is out there, for others to respond to and for our town to know we are coming. The local police have now been in contact with me, things are moving forward.

On the back page of the other local newpaper, the Diss Mercury, was a great picture and article about the football team of which my son is captain, winning the league and a great match report, a very proud moment. Also very good for the family to be taking up the columns in the local news.

The Heasleys are taking over.

The Reality Is

I spoke yesterday, good topics, I had an idea where I was going and then I got a bit lost, I said 'the reality is' so many times that when I was listening back to it later, I started to cringe when I heard myself say it. I also said that I would elaborate on things and didn't, I did not elaborate on the scripture I had either. I listend back to it, as I said, it was ok, yet I do like to critique myself, and I have to say, could have done better. A highlighter pen and just some points where I know I should stop will help. At the end of the day, I delivered the mesage, just hoped to have done it better.

I am not so manic this week and have a bit of time, even though, Tanya has gone to the boiler room for a few days, which is great, I will just be a bit manic with 5 kids, although that is what Tanya has to deal with all the time, I will be fine. Tanya's sister is moved in, I have had my works dinner and dance, which was good, also we have had Mason's football presentation evening, which was good, Mason won the award for most skillful player, which was great, his team won the league and he was captain, all fantastic. Morgan has been going to rugby with Diss town, but he needs more to do, we will see. There is a time of calm right now.

In general we are all well and I find I have some things to say, so be ready for some blogging.

Manic

I have let this go, I was on a run and then I just find I have so many other things to do, so my blogging has suffered, which to be perfectly honest is not too big a deal, but now they have installed the internet in the office I am currently in and I can't move, I have time to sit here and splurge it all out.

To be perfectly honest most of my busy situation is not due to me taking on more, things have just come at a time when my shift pattern is currently stuck over weekend times and a lot of the things I do are at those times, and it is also down to the fact that I have 4 kids, the oldest of which is now at home again being home educated and a baby and toddler are hard work, Tanya is doing great, but it leaves a lot to be done on days off.

The YC is doing better, street pastors???, I am speaking on Sunday, which plays on my mind and now Tanya's sister is coming to live with us, which is good, yet it does mean a lot of running around and rearranging at home which has just meant that the last couple of weeks have been manic. It is good to be busy and purposeful and I actually feel great, I just don't want to drop anything right now, which means that blogging may suffer. We will see.

Street Pastors for Diss

I had a great meeting on Tuesday with some of the people from the street pastors organisation and my church leader. Street pastors, God willing is coming to Diss, there are of course things to do, I have the job of contacting the local police to get their support, another leader will be contacting the local council and the church leader, Graham, will be contacting other church leaders to get them on board.

There will of course be people who need training, materials and a base to sort out, but all minor things really, which will hopefully mean that in the next few months, street pastors will be out on the streets on a Friday night in Diss, bringing some peace and the presence of God into situations and places and showing His church is in the real places, alive and well and visible, not judging, but helping, ready to share who we are and what we stand for, without shoving things down peoples throats.

Time to pray it in.

Street Pastors in Diss

I have signed a new contract at work and am relaxing about my current situation and of course, plans for the future are in the making, haha. I have been doing some practical stuff at home and am quite pleased with the results of my work in our garage and I am now planning and starting to work on my vegetable growing, which of course means I have been a bit lax on my blogging, I will try to keep up.

Today I and others are having a meeting with the street pastors people, about bringing street pastors to Diss. This is something I have pushed for and which has been picked up by our church and things are slowly coming together. Well today is the next step along that road and I am really excited and pleased to be involved.

Time to pray. Need more people to be involved, need things to go smoothly, need to be organised, help!

Peace and Security

I really feel peaceful and secure at the moment, it is not just being permanently employed again or doing alright with money, believe me, there are more important things in life and mine ain't perfect, yet I feel alright about it all.

I have really enjoyed lately having a scour of charity shops for books, yes some good fiction books, but mainly and what I have been mostly losing myself in, is Christian books and biographies of Christians who have made a difference, also I have just been having a lot of worship cds on at the moment, I suppose I am immersing myself in God stuff, this has led me to getting into the bible more as well, which is really cool. I have other books and cds, that I will continue to enjoy, right now I am in a nice bubble and being inspired by what I am finding.

The challenge will be, to take what I hear and read into all the other parts of my life.

Decision

I have decided to stay in my current role, commuting to Thurrock, I have made this decision based on many factors and spent a lot of time in prayer, I do always panic that I will make the wrong decision, yet right now I feel a great deal of peace.

One of the biggest factors for me, was stress, right now, working where I am, I just do my days work and go home, forget it, the time off and pay are good, the only real stress is the commuting and maybe office politics, which since I have been back I have shied away from. Staying where I am, also allows me to work on other things and chase the vision, wherever that may lead us.

I also made the decision based on being able to get along side people and help, I don't think I would have been able to be a friend within the prison service, there would always be a line that could not be crossed, and I have found other ways of being able to be there for people.

So, right now, things are really good, what next?

Prison

I had the wonderful oppurtunity yesterday to be able to go and observe a friend doing some work in a prison, it really was an enjoyable experience, something that has touched me and made me think even more about the coming decision I have to make.

I was just so pleased yesterday to find things so comfortable within myself and also so welcomed by those incarcerated, there was a real warmth to everyone, I suspect there is the lack of real personal contact, in a relational way, inside, those who work there can not get close, those around you are in the same position and while there is friendship grown from that, it must be nice to just sit with someone and chat. There is a bit in the film ' The Shawshank Redemption', where some of the prisoners tar a roof and the lead character is able to get them some beer on their last day and they sat and drank their beer and felt like real men. This is the point, the guys I met yesterday are real people and should be treated that way.

By the way, I have made my decision, stay tuned.

What is New?

The small group I am a part of , are currently reaching out and starting to do 'church' in one of the areas in our town. What I mean by that is, we are starting to meet up in a local community centre, once a week and pray for the estate where we are. We have given out prayer requests and let it be known we are there. We would also like to reach out in other ways, get to know the people on the estate and where they are and what is going on in people lives. We would also like to do some sort of 'service' on Easter Sunday.

We would like to do things differently, we want to shrug off the mantle of religiosity and churchianity and do things God's way, not just the way that things are done, the ritual or routine, behaving like a new franchise of McChurch, we want to meet with people, relationally and in a very real way, while sharing the reality of the gospel.

It is difficult, if you take away all the structures you have always known, what do you replace them with and you don't just want to replace things for the sake of it. The idea is to be true, to be undiluted, yet to break down barriers and meet with people. I know food will be coming into this, we continue to pray for guidance and fresh leading. We want to be led by God, not by man.

MLK, AP and Me

I really wanted a biography of Martin Luther King Jnr, I really wanted to read a biography of a Christian who changed the world in the last 100 years, someone who made an impact in all circles, not just Christian, but took who he was to the world and made a stand. I walked into a local charity shop on Monday and was very happy to pick up his autobiography for 80p, so expect numerous MLK quotes, as I am already folding down pages. This is what I do when I like a book and want to quote from it in future, I fold down pages. My book with the most folded down pages, is Floyd Mclungs, ' Loving the God Who Loves You.' Brilliant.

I have also started reading the second of Adrian Plass' wonderful diaries, brilliantly funny, honest and loads to learn from. It reminds me not to worry about being so weak, God uses the weak and shows His strength.

I have decisions still to make to do with jobs, what a blessing that I have a choice, not so long ago, no choice whatsoever, I am sure God is in it all.

God Speaking

Tanya and I have a book in which we write down all the little things that we believe God is saying to us and the words people give us from God, verses and pictures. The other night we just spent our evening reading through these words, reading the bits of scripture, trying to link in when we had written something down to what was happening in our lives at that time, just being encouraged and noticing the relevance of things said last year to now and also how things said then have come to pass or are more relevant now than then.

It is good to remind ourselves that God continues to speak. I was listening to a preacher a little while ago on the radio, explaining that the Holy Spirit does not act now the way He did in the bible, as He does not need to, because all we need is scripture. What utter tosh, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever, why would He stop speaking and acting amongst His people, what was the cut off point, February the 17th AD 73, interesting date. The church moves and grows and continues, due to the presence of the Holy Spirit and the fact that God is still speaking to His people and we need Him. We worship in spirit and in truth, it is important to have a balance of both.

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History

One of the books I am reading at the moment is 'the hiding place' the story of Corrie Ten Boom. This lady and her family sheltered jews during the second world war in the occupied Netherlands, a fantastic, heart wrenching, moving and inspiring story. One of the things I notice is the way the German and Dutch Nazis treat others, the complete disdain and hatred for one race and the anger and hatred shown to anyone of no use or that is in their way, I think how? How can people go so low, almost wipe compassion and love from their lives, more worryingly, can it happen again?

Over the last few weeks I have been listening and have read many things on the internet which I believe are the same seeds of judgements of hate, especially against a specific race. The muslims and more stereotypically, the arabs! are being tarred with all sorts of brushes and there are all sorts of hate sprouting from all sorts of corners, and even more worrying is, that a lot of people agree.

I am a Christian, I do not believe in what Muslims believe, in fact, Jesus said that He is the only way to God and He made that way possible through His death. Now I am not getting into a theoretical discussion, but my point is, I will not replace Love with hate, or I become like the Nazis, we can all find reasons to hate, Jesus even said, it is easy to love those that love you, try loving those who don't.

Would you have hid a Jew, would you hide a muslim?

Passionately Silly

If I look back on my life, the times I have got into trouble, have either been because of passion or silliness. I am not malicious, I don't think, I don't believe I'm bitter and twisted and I don't plan revenge, yet I have, over the years, managed to get myself into the most stupid of situations, and also cause some real harm, through just being either stupid or following my heart. Don't worry, I don't think I've upset anyone too much lately, just my line of thought, the learning curve.

And what do I learn, think and wait. Obviously some things need quick actions or decisions, but even then, there is usually time to weigh things up. Think and wait should be my new motto, to replace passionately silly, it does not mean I can't be passionate, or silly, just making sure I am not causing more problems in the process.

Tomorrow I am going to have a facebook cull, I am quite looking forward to it, clean up time.

Compassion

I wrote yesterdays post after we had friends round for dinner, I had a glass or two of wine, I had started writing earlier in the day and then when I went to turn the PC off, I noticed that I had not finished it, so I decided to, probably why I come across quite harsh, well, I will leave it there, I can look at it again to remind myself to think.

These things continue to remind me of my obvious imperfections, which is not me being all guilt bound, more like reminding me to have compassion. I was just putting petrol in the car, I was queueing to fill up the car, but the guy in front was taking forever to move, I was starting to get a bit annoyed and then he got out of his car and I thought, he hasn't even started to fill up, I'm gonna be here forever. Anyway he then proceeded to try to push his car off of the forecourt because it had broken down, of course I got out and helped but it was just one of my moments, when I am too busy judging, to actually see someone in need.

Yesterday evening I was not being very compassionate, very passionate, yes, but then I just end up, preachy and finger poking and not being very compassionate. Sorry.

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Saturday Night

I was out street pastoring on Saturday night, it was good, plenty happening. I say it was good, but how good can it be when you leave a homeless person asleep in their cold wet clothes to sleeep, you give them another blanket and a cup of coffee, but still it is to leave somebody in a state that you would nevr be left in yourself. my atheist friend who has been commenting, I want to ask, where are you?

It was so cold saturday night, it hurt, I want to be in these positions again, and I will be .

It is so easy to take the easy l.ine and so much harder to takes god's line, It is about choices, what choice you gonna make?

Random

I am going out street pastoring tomorrow night, the first time in a couple of months. I am really looking forward to it, especially since I think it will be busy, the first payday after Christmas. I should be happy if it is quiet, but when there is loads happening, it can be good.

I find myself a bit fearful at the moment, just in general, concerned with what to do, how I am doing it, too much time spent on nights, on jetties and travelling with my own thoughts, yet I do have a great desire to be doing so much more and yet don't know if I am ready to, if that makes sense. I do feel like something is on the horizon, don't know what though.

I am reading 2 Bill Johnson books at the moment, exciting stuff, yet also gets me desperate for the more of God, which is probably a good thing. I am being intentionally random, it is 04:20, it has been a long night. Not over yet, good night.

YC and things

The Youth Cafe started again last week after the Christmas break, I really want to step up to it again and found myself really invigorated and excited about everything kicking off again and I find I have some new ideas and really want to get to know some of these young people and find out whats going on in lives and get along side some people and actually help.

Well actually it ended up that Friday night was actually a bit of a struggle, again, and it is hard to stay motivated, we are not running a babysitting service, but actually want to make a difference, but breaking through is hard, but that is what we need to do, break through, that is what we will be praying for, and we will continue and try new ideas and initiatives and we will pray and be there and be pro active. That is a good word, 'pro' we are going to act postively in a situation, not whinge or complain, but act and wait and see.

The Need To

I don't like having to keep coming up with titles for my blog, they can be very random, like me. I did really feel a need to blog today, not because there is anything special to report, just wanting to keep it up and keep sharing.

I do feel in a rather good place, things for the future are a bit unsure, but won't they always be? That is one of those learning curves in how to trust God. Tanya and I are really trying to spend more time with God and are feeling challenged to act on some aspects of our life, organisation, balance, maturity, that type of thing, positive challenges, more of God, capturing every thought.

Tanya was talking to me about prayer the other day and about getting others to pray and she had a really good analogy. Sometimes we treat prayer like voting on the X factor, we assume our favourite will get through, we allow others to vote, we don't act ourselves and then are upset when our favourite goes out. We have to take responsibility for our own prayer lives and not expect others to be the ones praying all the time and then be so upset when things don't happen.

This PC is very slow and getting frustrating, much like me, I am going to log off before I get any more annoyed with it, must get it sorted though, or use one at work more.

Reminders

Tanya and I were having some time together the other night, just sort of praying and sharing, which was great. Something we need to do more of, not the need to do more because if we don't we are failing or bad or anything, need to do more of, because we want to, we feel a need to, a desire for more of that type of relationship with God and us, personally and as a unit.

Tanya does feel at the moment really spoken to by Isaiah 49 ( I always mispell Isaiah, except now, I checked it) and there is loads in that chapter which she feels is really relevant to her walk right now and stuff that is relevant to us, the biggest thing though is in verse 9, which reads especially well in the NLT,

I will say to the prisoners, ‘Come out in freedom,’
and to those in darkness, ‘Come into the light.’

We both really feel the need to declare this over our lives again and again, reminding ourselves this is what has been said to us and we must continue to act on it. We have to come out in freedom into the light, that is what our lives are about, stepping into the freedom which has been bought for us, not sitting in the cell door looking out. I want to get a picture or something done to remind me indoors, ' Come out in freedom.' 'Come into the light.'

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Giving it up More

I am healthily busy, which I like, it does involve me being organised, writing things down and keeping a diary, which I still forget to take with me places.

I did another medical and fitness test for the prison service on Monday, you have to do one annually, I passed which is good, I was then talking to my receivers about some financial stuff and they told me I have to tell the prison service I am bankrupt, I have been putting this off, because I feel that it could mean the end of the road for my desire to become a prison officer, I have also been worrying about any attachment orders my receivers might put on what I am earning now. Talk about lose focus.

I don't know what is going to happen with these things, why am I concerned? In a very short period of time I have started to take a world view, instead of God's view. This is the God who sorted out my home, car, job and finances, not to mention my life and I start to worry the moment I come up against something, as soon as I hit a new bump. I have to give it all up again, make the call, trust Him. The more we hold onto this life, the less of him we will see.

horses

I was reading psalm 32, and in verse 9 the psalmist talks about not being like a horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle. I think I am sometimes like this, I need moved and pulled or tugged in a direction, rather than going willingly, I suppose I am sometimes like a blind mule who does not even know which way I am meant to go and needs dragging. I want to learn to move willingly, the way I am meant to go and be more aware of which way I am meant to be going.

I suppose, once again it comes down to that focus word again, keeping on the right road, prayer, the word, just sometimes, resting and waiting on God, taking control of thoughts and keeping on running the race.

I was speaking a while ago and was saying that sometimes when we are running the race, we get over a hurdle and then pause for breath, instead of keeping on running, it is harder to start running again, we have to keep the pace and keep running with the momentum we have gained.

Thy Kingdom Come

I was praying this morning in the car, it was quite a peaceful time, I was enjoying myself actually, at one point I was praying the Lord's prayer, and I kept really feeling myself drawn to those words, Thy kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven.

As I was thinking about this and other things, generally thinking about what this year could hold for me and my family, I really felt that this should be the headline or title for my year. I like titles to things, when I speak I like to give myself a good title, something to remember and lean back on, a bit of a focal point, well for the year, I believe this should be my focal point.

It could be said that this should be my focus anyway, well I want to explore exactly what it means and how to live that kingdom out fully, I'm not exactly sure where to go with that yet, exciting times, yet again.

Monday Morning

It is Monday morning and we, as a household, are getting organised, even as I write this, I am embroiled in a conversation with the wonderful people at BT, is it just all telecommunications companies can't communicate?

I have a list of things to do today, which I like, because I like achieving, I like victories, I like not having things at the back of my mind which I know need doing. So the plan for the day is to sort out those loose ends, clear things up ready for this new year.

On Saturday we were able to get a new car. Now I know we have been given one, it is brilliant and is providing transport for me to get to work and back, but it has been a bit upsetting that we have been unable to go anywhere as a family, because there is six of us and we just don't fit, someone, usually our eldest, has been left out. So we just needed something cheap and big, so when all of us were wanting to go somewhere, we could go as a family, well on Saturday, we found a bargain, it is not perfect, it does the job and we can all fit in, brilliant.

You know, I worry about sharing that, the same way I use to worry when I went shopping on benefits and did not want to meet anyone I knew, they might see me with ice cream or wine in my trolley and judge me. It is rubbish isn't it, shame, guilt, judging, stuff that Jesus didn't like, stuff that I still carry and should get rid of again.

Freedom, live it.

Books

I must remember that when God is saying something to me, it does not mean He is saying it to everyone and I must not be the force feeder, share and move along, this like many things on my blog, I will write again, sometimes I think that my blog is just a set of reminders for me.

Enough of that randomness, here is some other randomness, I am doing a book list for the year this evening, what an exciting Saturday night, anyway, I am trying to write down all the books I want to read this year, but it ends up being like when I come to write this blog, I have loads of things buzzing around my head, and then when I sit down in front of the computer, my mind goes blank, so Amazon is helping me, although it is another reminder to me to write more stuff down, keep using my diary!!!!!! Be prepared. I have started making notes on bits of paper at work, which isn't a great help, as the notes tend to stay at work.

I am looking for some fresh reading though, anyone any recomendations, let me know, so far I have a list with Rob Bell, Shane Claibourne and Donald Miller's newest offerings, some other very random stuff, Simon Scarrow and Bernard Cornwell of course for my fictional digestion and I am just about to start a list for my history section, it may be a long night.

Keeping Up

I am intent on keeping this blog going, which is why I find myself sitting here at work at half past three in the morning, grabbing some time to write something down.

Tonight is cold, again, although not as cold as last night, where everything I seemed to touch was a battle, as it was frozen over and it is so hard to get motivated in the cold, once things are moving, it is better. I have an extra pair of gloves and a scarf for tonight. Spiritual sigificance? Be prepared and starting anything can be a struggle, but get the momentum going and it gets easier, I'm trying to get some more momentum into my bible reading at the moment, it seems a bit frozen, I need to warm things up.

Earlier on today, I was listening to a song and misheard the lyrics, which I do quite often ( I used to think the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' was actually called 'Pistachio', very strange I know), anyway the song I was listening to was called 'closer', by Kings of Leon, the chorus is ' ..and its coming closer.' Well I heard and was singing 'calling me closer' , and it sums up for me how I feel right now, and I think it is something for everyone, God is calling us closer..........

I'm just gonna let that hang there.

The Battle is Real

I have found that I have been putting myself under a lot of pressure again, especially with getting back to work, I get myself wound up about acting the right way, being vocal, what am I thinking, etc,etc... very typically me, not God's way though.

I find I beat myself up struggling to be more, but yet in some respects that is the point that should relieve me, I am involved in a struggle, because I have picked sides , because the battle is real, I come up against things in life which I will struggle against. This should not be a matter of shame or guilt, but a comfort that there is something different about me, that I am being changed, and there has been so many changes, it is so easy to spot the failures instead of celebrating victories. If I was not in a battle and feeling like I was not in a battle, wouldn't that be worse. I once again have to remind myself of the joy of battle and who leads me on.

I hope that makes sense.

I'm Still Here

I'm still here, I have not gone anywhere, although I will admit I was tempted to just scrap blogging completely, I have been incredibly busy, although I guess so have most, Christmas time is hectic, so much to do, so little time.

On top of everything, I have had my job to do and I just have not been very good at juggling everything, a bit out of practice, so I am having an organisational drive, get back on top of things. This has led me to think wether I would continue to blog, I have decided I will, I have stuff to say, this is a good form of media just to throw things out there and see what happens, I am going to put the site meter back on and just see if anyone is listening, I will try to be a bit more consistent and actually write stuff, we will see how I go.

As an update, my Dad and stepmother have given us a car, which is such a blessing, things are really still pointing upwards, one of the things I start to notice now, is more choices, more decisions, more chances of getting it wrong ( me being cynical ) more opportunities to give it to God ( help me to ) and running in freedom.

Something I have been thinking of more and more lately, the freedom we live in, do I live in it, do I live like I am free??????

I am still here.