Thursday, 21 June 2007


I have been putting myself under a bit of pressure lately, am I doing enough, am I being a light in my workplace, am I watching or reading the right things on the tv, or newspapers or books, am I doing enough in the church, what about me losing my temper while driving, setting an example for the youth in our group, bringing Jesus into converstions with those I know, etc................

I can beat myself up inside sometimes when I don't feel I am getting it right, I can feel guilt for screwing up, yet again

When I was coming into work tonight I was listening to Delirious, Mission Bell, on the stereo in the car, there is a song, the last song on the album, I'll see you when you when I get there, there is a wonderful line, 'Running without fear, born to rest in your Fathers arms'.

I really had a sense of peace come over me, of knowing I am in His arms, where I am meant to be.

I then was reading Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller, and he has a wonderful chapter on Grace. About the amount of pressure he put himself under during a phase of Christian fundamentalism he went through, fasting every Monday, not watching tv, not smoking his pipe, reading the bible every day. He failed.

We all fail, we all fall, but we love because we were first loved, and that is a love that will never fail, will never fall. We will never be able to earn it, it is Grace, freely given, and freely acccepted, that will continue to change us as love can only do. I can do nothing to earn it, nothing.

I am changed and changing because I am in love, I will not be brought down through guilt and shame that has been taken from me, I am free.

Love changes, love builds, love strengthens, we will do anything for love.

In Revelation 2:4, it talks of forsaking your first love. We must remember our first love, remember the passion, remember where we have been, and where we are now going, remember that we are loved, we can not earn it, we live with it, bursting from us.

Friday, 15 June 2007

carry weight

I have been a bit silly at work. I have struggled this week, I have been tired, angry, moody and silly. I have been caught out, doing something silly, unfortunately there are those at work who are petty, and are building empires, and I try to stand up for others and so have become a target. I stuck a computer lead for a speaker from where it should be to another, so I could show someone something funny on the internet, an electrician saw me, and has reported me. So I put my hands up, and have said, yea, that was silly, I should not have done that. It seems this is not good enough. I am afraid I have spoken out too often and now on Tuesday I am in front of a disciplinary panel.
I can accept I am wrong, I can accept the warning I am probably going to get.
Now its starting to play on my mind, what if they want to go over the top, make an example of me, suspend me, sack me, not that this could really happen, but its in my mind, and then there is my reaction, trying to get back at these petty people ( thats petty isn't it) , trying to argue my point, trying to point out that certain individuals do not like being challenged, and react badly to that. Anyway.........
This is all in my mind, and probably will be till Tuesday, I want to let go of this weight, I really have to give this to Jesus.

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

but seriously

Sorry no picture, I'm angry.

I am tired, which means this week, I have been moody and horrible, this week I have shouted and intimidated other drivers on the road, I shouted down my managers at work, I was venomous, I had a right go at Tanya and warned my young peoples group that I ahd no patience. I have been told I am very intimidating, the look on my face, my size, the way the Ulster accent comes back as I get louder, and I get loud, and I have always used this. I have been honest and told people how I feel, after I have screamed at them, I have apologised, told them how I feel, felt bad, cause I know I am wrong. The biggest point I have is honesty and knowing I am wrong, and trying all I can to work the other way, to understand, tell the truth, being humble, really trying to learn from Jesus.

Then I read on someone elses blog, about G W Bush serving God on his knees while fighting a war on terror.

Now I have never made political comments on this blog, I don't want to, I recognise the world is dark, and when you look at what the media throws at you, it is very dark. I want to look at where I can shine the light of Jesus, BUT....................................

Fighting a war on terror while serving Jesus on your knees is pure ignorance.

Where is the love, try explaining Jesus to an orphan in Iraq or Pakistan, He would be a God of hate and pain. Try explaining the righteous act to the Christians in those countries, in fact, well done George for encouraging islam, Christians in these countries have been reduced by over 70%. This so called war has been seen as a crusade, churches are being burnt down, Christians are being killed, so that the Christians ion Christian countries can feel safe. Did it not occur to you at any point in the scriptures that as a Christian, you are not meant to be in your comfort zone, it is meant to be a challenge and that we may be persecuted. I believe that Jesus told us to love our enemies. Full stop. Not pre emptively kill them. But, but nothing, where does it say in the new testament to kill to forward His name, it does not. I understand the need to protect and even show force, as I understand diferent cultures, to not do so can be seen as weakness. To claim that to cause more death than a ruthless dictator is somehow serving God, disgusts me. When I am angry, and act out that anger, He who is in me reminds me that is not the way to be. Someone try to justify so many deaths..............

I am not going to go there tonight on the death penalty and so many more ignorant little media driven so called right wing Christian groups and ideas, that choose to ignore Jesus and just pander to our own fears, hates, lusts and misconceptions. Please open your eyes and ask yourself where is Jesus in this, please.

Monday, 11 June 2007

my celeb lookalikes

I thought I'd give this a go, bit of fun. I don't know how to feel about Cliff Richard. This is the second of these I have done. On the first one with a different photo, it said I looked most like Queen Latifah, I think its great and will probably post that one too.

Friday, 8 June 2007

Mysterious ways

I told you the other day I went to the East of London Boiler room, I went on Saturday, ended up speaking to a couple of people, then I went on the Monday, and got the chance for a bit of prayer. Anyway, on the Monday, I wrote out a list of names, of friends and guys at work, I wanted to pray for who weren't Christians, especially since I have been praying about openings at work. I went to stick this up on the wall, when I noticed, I was putting it next to exactly the same list I had inadvertently stuck there on the Saturday, so I stuffed it in my pocket and thought nothing more of it.

Fast forward to work, I do a big jobbie, in the office loo, and off I go to a meeting, come out of the meeting and am approached by the guy who is number 2 on that prayer list with, the piece of paper in his hand. He gives it to me, saying I think this is yours, it had been all round work, and back to me, with everyone now knowing that I think of them as lost and asking God for more balls to speak up. Well I don't need the balls as much now, God has thrown me straight in there, when we are not even thinking, He is at work.

Talk about open doors slowly, for everything I talk about, for all my rants, raves, ideas, feelings, etc.....It is His plan, His timing, His show. I love it when He uses me, I just pray He continues to use me, and I allow myself to be led by the spirit, with courage, love and truth, not to get on my high horse, but it to be about Him.

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

opening doors

I went to open a toilet door the other day and paused, thinking is there any one in there, anyway, I decided to open the door slowly. No one there. it got me to thinking. Open doors slowly. I remember writing a post a while ago, about putting your lights on full beam and blinding people. I think this is the same analogy, if, and you all have, had a light turned on suddenly, maybe when you have been in bed, you shrink from the light, you pull the covers over your head, you hide from the light. If you are on the toilet and someone opens the door, you shout, stick out your legs, avoid. Sometimes the light needs to be brought to you slowly, you need time to pull up your trousers, get use to the light, accept what is happening, adjust your vision, and then you can see.
Its the same when letting people know about Jesus, you cannot thrust the light down their throats, or in their eyes. be patient, build relationships, let the light become apparent, show love,
be compassionate, non judgemental, understand, and the light will shine. The door will open

Monday, 4 June 2007


I visited (hence the pic) the East of London Boiler Room, this weekend(hence the title). It is a house in Thurrock, which has been set apart as a house to be used for God's purpose, with a prayer room, art room, bedrooms. It is really great. A wonderful sanctuary and a great place to go to pray, the prayer room, like so many prayer rooms across the country, are wonderful places, for focus, and time with God. I went on Saturday and met a couple from the other congregation of my own church in Diss. I had never had a conversation with them, but meeting 90 miles away, we had a good chat, God works in weird, yet cool ways. Anyway went there again today, and put on a cd, read other peoples prayers, prayed, relaxed in God's presence. I really felt comfortable. What is interesting is I am working away, on nights, having a peaceful moment with God, yet if you look on my wife tanya's blog, her day has been the complete opposite. So for all my peace, I just want to pray now, that everyone gets a bit of piece and time today. God Bless.

Sunday, 3 June 2007


This is the second time I am writing this, which is very apt considering I am splurging on perfection, and my lack of it.

I have just had a few conversations with people who are getting a bit confused with the whole perfection thing, and using it as a barrier to becoming a christian.

Lets get this straight Jesus was perfect. You and I am not, you never will be and waiting for yourself to be, or getting into the right place, is just putting up obstacles. One of the main points about coming to Jesus, is accepting you are not good enough, its getiing away from the 'but I'm a good person' line , you might be good, never good enough.

Jesus came, you recognise your not perfect, accept Jesus and you don't suddenly become an angel overnight. It may mean making serious life changes, it may mean going through your life and removing things which aren't healthy, it will be a life changing experience, you will not be perfect. As far as God is concerned, He will see you as perfect through His Son you have believed in and chosen to follow, but (that word again) This does not mean halos at dawn, walking about hands clasped, eyes looking skywards. It is about entering into a real relationship, in which I am challenged, questioned, encouraged and loved into trying to be what God wants me to be, and every time I slip, is about letting go of guilt, the debts been paid, standing tall again, and trying again with Jesus with me to lean on.

I write about this alot, to remind myself, where I have come from, where I have got to and where I am going. I have seen some great things lately, can't wait to see more. Be joyous always.

Saturday, 2 June 2007


I was in a group this week talking about strongholds and temptations, and we all decided one of the biggest temptations is to do nothing, or the minimum. Now everyone needs a break, everyone needs to relax, at the end of the day God tells us to rest, He created the sabbath, He wants us to rest, if we don't we can burn out, even when we're doing His work, we can push ourselves too hard. But ( Interesting word BUT, I have been told that in Hebrew it means forget what has been said before, I use it alot ) anyway, sometimes it is so easy to switch on that tv, and just do nothing, Big Brother, I'm a celebrity, daytime tv. Now I know it can be entertaining, I know that everyone at work tomorrow might be talking about it ( reminds me of a friend who hates football, but now watches it, so he can talk to the other guys at work), I know its easier to stick on the tv at the end of the day than actually have to think, or interact, read, learn more, write something on a blog. I have to make a point here, this is a blog, when I get all preachy, I am usually preaching at myself first, like my post the other day about mortgages, I have a huge one and am now challenged to get rid of it. This is the same, I need to turn the tv off more, get into the living bit more. But its so much easier said than done.

I have the internet at work in front of me all the time. I'm at work now, so its easy for me to do this, but its also easy for me to get stuck in internet world and forget I am working. More challenges.......