Destruction

I am writing here about some issues that are being heavily highlighted in my life right now and my thoughts on the whys and wherefores. I do not feel in a place of guilt or shame and this is about me, not anyone else. That is the disclaimer out of the way, I want to generally talk about my issues with anger and lust today, they are related in the way they destroy, but one is obvious, the other subtle.

When I get angry, it must be scary, I am loud, I stomp about like an indian on the warpath, I am very in the face of the person I am angry with, I am unpredictable, I don't really know what is going to happen, same as the now probably scared individual who I have lost it with. I have most likely lost my temper with someone in my immediate family, my wife or my sons. I used to be known for going off at anyone, pub, car, work. Now it is just at home and this is not something that happens every week, just every now and again, I come to the end of my tether and snap. I am not physically violent by the way, I just snap, shout very loudly, storm around, I might slam a door, I will say things I don't mean. People will cry, I will be getting angrier because I have got angry, then for hours or maybe days after, I have a cloud over my head, of shame and guilt.

This is destructive to my wife and kids, the unpredictability, the anger. It is not the right way to act, or to teach my children, it is upsetting. For my family it may seem to be over very quickly, but then they have to deal with the bear with a sore head for the next day or two. I am very honest about my feelings with my children, they know how I feel about anger, how I feel about losing my temper, I know how they feel, they are honest enough to tell me. That at least is healthy. I still walk about after losing my temper, carrying my shame and guilt, like some sort of penance, that is the unhealthiest part. This is so destructive to me and those around me, carrying shame and guilt, especially since I have been set free from it, set free by the death of God's own son, and I have the audacity, when everyone else is moving on, when everyone else has forgotten and forgiven, to drag it on because I have not forgiven myself. I will read this back to me later, to see if it goes in. I am doing well with my anger, very rarely I lose it, but it needs to be not there and if it is I need to put it at God's feet and move on, not looking back, learning, not dwelling.

I will write about lust tomorrow, because I have gone on a bit and I am a bit unsure how to write about lust honestly, we will see.