Random

I am going out street pastoring tomorrow night, the first time in a couple of months. I am really looking forward to it, especially since I think it will be busy, the first payday after Christmas. I should be happy if it is quiet, but when there is loads happening, it can be good.

I find myself a bit fearful at the moment, just in general, concerned with what to do, how I am doing it, too much time spent on nights, on jetties and travelling with my own thoughts, yet I do have a great desire to be doing so much more and yet don't know if I am ready to, if that makes sense. I do feel like something is on the horizon, don't know what though.

I am reading 2 Bill Johnson books at the moment, exciting stuff, yet also gets me desperate for the more of God, which is probably a good thing. I am being intentionally random, it is 04:20, it has been a long night. Not over yet, good night.

YC and things

The Youth Cafe started again last week after the Christmas break, I really want to step up to it again and found myself really invigorated and excited about everything kicking off again and I find I have some new ideas and really want to get to know some of these young people and find out whats going on in lives and get along side some people and actually help.

Well actually it ended up that Friday night was actually a bit of a struggle, again, and it is hard to stay motivated, we are not running a babysitting service, but actually want to make a difference, but breaking through is hard, but that is what we need to do, break through, that is what we will be praying for, and we will continue and try new ideas and initiatives and we will pray and be there and be pro active. That is a good word, 'pro' we are going to act postively in a situation, not whinge or complain, but act and wait and see.

The Need To

I don't like having to keep coming up with titles for my blog, they can be very random, like me. I did really feel a need to blog today, not because there is anything special to report, just wanting to keep it up and keep sharing.

I do feel in a rather good place, things for the future are a bit unsure, but won't they always be? That is one of those learning curves in how to trust God. Tanya and I are really trying to spend more time with God and are feeling challenged to act on some aspects of our life, organisation, balance, maturity, that type of thing, positive challenges, more of God, capturing every thought.

Tanya was talking to me about prayer the other day and about getting others to pray and she had a really good analogy. Sometimes we treat prayer like voting on the X factor, we assume our favourite will get through, we allow others to vote, we don't act ourselves and then are upset when our favourite goes out. We have to take responsibility for our own prayer lives and not expect others to be the ones praying all the time and then be so upset when things don't happen.

This PC is very slow and getting frustrating, much like me, I am going to log off before I get any more annoyed with it, must get it sorted though, or use one at work more.

Reminders

Tanya and I were having some time together the other night, just sort of praying and sharing, which was great. Something we need to do more of, not the need to do more because if we don't we are failing or bad or anything, need to do more of, because we want to, we feel a need to, a desire for more of that type of relationship with God and us, personally and as a unit.

Tanya does feel at the moment really spoken to by Isaiah 49 ( I always mispell Isaiah, except now, I checked it) and there is loads in that chapter which she feels is really relevant to her walk right now and stuff that is relevant to us, the biggest thing though is in verse 9, which reads especially well in the NLT,

I will say to the prisoners, ‘Come out in freedom,’
and to those in darkness, ‘Come into the light.’

We both really feel the need to declare this over our lives again and again, reminding ourselves this is what has been said to us and we must continue to act on it. We have to come out in freedom into the light, that is what our lives are about, stepping into the freedom which has been bought for us, not sitting in the cell door looking out. I want to get a picture or something done to remind me indoors, ' Come out in freedom.' 'Come into the light.'

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Giving it up More

I am healthily busy, which I like, it does involve me being organised, writing things down and keeping a diary, which I still forget to take with me places.

I did another medical and fitness test for the prison service on Monday, you have to do one annually, I passed which is good, I was then talking to my receivers about some financial stuff and they told me I have to tell the prison service I am bankrupt, I have been putting this off, because I feel that it could mean the end of the road for my desire to become a prison officer, I have also been worrying about any attachment orders my receivers might put on what I am earning now. Talk about lose focus.

I don't know what is going to happen with these things, why am I concerned? In a very short period of time I have started to take a world view, instead of God's view. This is the God who sorted out my home, car, job and finances, not to mention my life and I start to worry the moment I come up against something, as soon as I hit a new bump. I have to give it all up again, make the call, trust Him. The more we hold onto this life, the less of him we will see.

horses

I was reading psalm 32, and in verse 9 the psalmist talks about not being like a horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle. I think I am sometimes like this, I need moved and pulled or tugged in a direction, rather than going willingly, I suppose I am sometimes like a blind mule who does not even know which way I am meant to go and needs dragging. I want to learn to move willingly, the way I am meant to go and be more aware of which way I am meant to be going.

I suppose, once again it comes down to that focus word again, keeping on the right road, prayer, the word, just sometimes, resting and waiting on God, taking control of thoughts and keeping on running the race.

I was speaking a while ago and was saying that sometimes when we are running the race, we get over a hurdle and then pause for breath, instead of keeping on running, it is harder to start running again, we have to keep the pace and keep running with the momentum we have gained.

Thy Kingdom Come

I was praying this morning in the car, it was quite a peaceful time, I was enjoying myself actually, at one point I was praying the Lord's prayer, and I kept really feeling myself drawn to those words, Thy kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven.

As I was thinking about this and other things, generally thinking about what this year could hold for me and my family, I really felt that this should be the headline or title for my year. I like titles to things, when I speak I like to give myself a good title, something to remember and lean back on, a bit of a focal point, well for the year, I believe this should be my focal point.

It could be said that this should be my focus anyway, well I want to explore exactly what it means and how to live that kingdom out fully, I'm not exactly sure where to go with that yet, exciting times, yet again.

Monday Morning

It is Monday morning and we, as a household, are getting organised, even as I write this, I am embroiled in a conversation with the wonderful people at BT, is it just all telecommunications companies can't communicate?

I have a list of things to do today, which I like, because I like achieving, I like victories, I like not having things at the back of my mind which I know need doing. So the plan for the day is to sort out those loose ends, clear things up ready for this new year.

On Saturday we were able to get a new car. Now I know we have been given one, it is brilliant and is providing transport for me to get to work and back, but it has been a bit upsetting that we have been unable to go anywhere as a family, because there is six of us and we just don't fit, someone, usually our eldest, has been left out. So we just needed something cheap and big, so when all of us were wanting to go somewhere, we could go as a family, well on Saturday, we found a bargain, it is not perfect, it does the job and we can all fit in, brilliant.

You know, I worry about sharing that, the same way I use to worry when I went shopping on benefits and did not want to meet anyone I knew, they might see me with ice cream or wine in my trolley and judge me. It is rubbish isn't it, shame, guilt, judging, stuff that Jesus didn't like, stuff that I still carry and should get rid of again.

Freedom, live it.

Books

I must remember that when God is saying something to me, it does not mean He is saying it to everyone and I must not be the force feeder, share and move along, this like many things on my blog, I will write again, sometimes I think that my blog is just a set of reminders for me.

Enough of that randomness, here is some other randomness, I am doing a book list for the year this evening, what an exciting Saturday night, anyway, I am trying to write down all the books I want to read this year, but it ends up being like when I come to write this blog, I have loads of things buzzing around my head, and then when I sit down in front of the computer, my mind goes blank, so Amazon is helping me, although it is another reminder to me to write more stuff down, keep using my diary!!!!!! Be prepared. I have started making notes on bits of paper at work, which isn't a great help, as the notes tend to stay at work.

I am looking for some fresh reading though, anyone any recomendations, let me know, so far I have a list with Rob Bell, Shane Claibourne and Donald Miller's newest offerings, some other very random stuff, Simon Scarrow and Bernard Cornwell of course for my fictional digestion and I am just about to start a list for my history section, it may be a long night.

Keeping Up

I am intent on keeping this blog going, which is why I find myself sitting here at work at half past three in the morning, grabbing some time to write something down.

Tonight is cold, again, although not as cold as last night, where everything I seemed to touch was a battle, as it was frozen over and it is so hard to get motivated in the cold, once things are moving, it is better. I have an extra pair of gloves and a scarf for tonight. Spiritual sigificance? Be prepared and starting anything can be a struggle, but get the momentum going and it gets easier, I'm trying to get some more momentum into my bible reading at the moment, it seems a bit frozen, I need to warm things up.

Earlier on today, I was listening to a song and misheard the lyrics, which I do quite often ( I used to think the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' was actually called 'Pistachio', very strange I know), anyway the song I was listening to was called 'closer', by Kings of Leon, the chorus is ' ..and its coming closer.' Well I heard and was singing 'calling me closer' , and it sums up for me how I feel right now, and I think it is something for everyone, God is calling us closer..........

I'm just gonna let that hang there.

The Battle is Real

I have found that I have been putting myself under a lot of pressure again, especially with getting back to work, I get myself wound up about acting the right way, being vocal, what am I thinking, etc,etc... very typically me, not God's way though.

I find I beat myself up struggling to be more, but yet in some respects that is the point that should relieve me, I am involved in a struggle, because I have picked sides , because the battle is real, I come up against things in life which I will struggle against. This should not be a matter of shame or guilt, but a comfort that there is something different about me, that I am being changed, and there has been so many changes, it is so easy to spot the failures instead of celebrating victories. If I was not in a battle and feeling like I was not in a battle, wouldn't that be worse. I once again have to remind myself of the joy of battle and who leads me on.

I hope that makes sense.

I'm Still Here

I'm still here, I have not gone anywhere, although I will admit I was tempted to just scrap blogging completely, I have been incredibly busy, although I guess so have most, Christmas time is hectic, so much to do, so little time.

On top of everything, I have had my job to do and I just have not been very good at juggling everything, a bit out of practice, so I am having an organisational drive, get back on top of things. This has led me to think wether I would continue to blog, I have decided I will, I have stuff to say, this is a good form of media just to throw things out there and see what happens, I am going to put the site meter back on and just see if anyone is listening, I will try to be a bit more consistent and actually write stuff, we will see how I go.

As an update, my Dad and stepmother have given us a car, which is such a blessing, things are really still pointing upwards, one of the things I start to notice now, is more choices, more decisions, more chances of getting it wrong ( me being cynical ) more opportunities to give it to God ( help me to ) and running in freedom.

Something I have been thinking of more and more lately, the freedom we live in, do I live in it, do I live like I am free??????

I am still here.