Harder

I sometimes think I am getting harder, harder in my heart, because I don't carry things around with me as much as I used to. I was a bit worried about this, until I realised the things I used to carry around were guilt and shame.

My heart still breaks when I hear or see pain, I am in love and want to love more, I am just less troubled by myself I suppose. I have a line which I have used here a lot, and my family are really peeved with, I say I am trying, they say, that is not an emotion, that it is a loaded statement, all I mean by it is, I am not beating myself up about things, I know I screw up, but I am going to keep trying and to do that I cannot carry the burden of shame and guilt around with me, it is the old ' accept and move on' syndrome, I am forgiven, it is forgotten, try again.

I will continue to be changed by love, because love is inside of me, I will not be changed by condemnation or shame, or I will only be changed in a negative way by guilt and shame.

I worry about the things done in the name of love that are turned back into burdens, I mean in a way is love a burden, a different type of burden, one that that causes you to act or respond, maybe that was what Jesus was talking about when He said His burden was light, a burden that prompts us and fills us.

One of the reasons I am thinking about this, is this time of year, the time when we remember the greatest gift ever given by responding in the same way and giving, yet for some people, a lot of people, I suppose to some extent me included, it has become a burden. How many people this time of year are worrying or getting further into debt, or are mourning or are lonely. What started in love has become a burden to many.

I suppose the only way of attempting to break the burden again is responding in greater love, how? I don't know right now, but I am thinking.