Loss

In the last month an old friend at my old job, lost his wife, their 10 year old son lost his mum, one of the other guys at work had been friends with the lady since they were kids. Yesterday I learnt that a dear friends grandmother had died and another friend had lost his young stepson to cancer.

A mother, a partner, a friend, a grandparent, a child. It is horrific. What can be so difficult for those in the vicinity, is what to do, what to say, how to be and what is even more difficult is when you are one of those who is so close to the person that has died, how do you deal with the pain.


I want to put my two penny worth in, how I feel, what I have experienced, there are a few good books to read in these situations I am told, Philip Yancey's 'where is God when it hurts', Pete Grieg's 'God on mute' and there is a new book out that I have but have not yet read by William P Young called ' the shack'.

As an onlooker, as a supporter of people who have lost, I have always stuck to the simplest things, the sorrys and condolences, the shoulder and the ear, it is not the time to be the person to over complicate, it is certainly not time to play judge, (if there ever is the time), it is the time to be a quiet listening rock, to stand tall and nod, to hug and be there for. That is it. In the bible it says, blessed are those who mourn, they will be comforted. I can only be a comforter, not a fixer, not a magic wand or magic word guy, a comforter.


As someone who has been deeply affected by loss in my life and someone who has observed how loss has affected others, I have some conclusions. Grief takes time and the bad way of grieving, is not to grieve. Is to bottle it all up inside. Obviously I know that if within your grief you want to go and physically hurt someone, you shouldn't, but to feel that anger, to feel that pain is not wrong. And when that anger or pain and them questions turn to the why's and how's and then start getting thrown at God, then throw them.

Growing up there was many a time when I cried out to God WHY? and IT ISN'T FAIR, He is a big God, beat your hands on His chest, scream at Him, ask Him, cry to Him, be honest with Him, I can be all theological about why there is pain and suffering in the world and I can tell you that I have and will face the same loss as everyone else regardless of my faith, but because of my faith, I will get down on my knees, cry, shout and generally throw a hissy fit and be honest with the person I know holds all the answers. I will find comfort there. Words can be so easy to write, this is easy, the reality of being in heartbreaking pain and hearing any advice, is hard. All I can honestly say, is cry out.

I was thinking about these different losses yesterday, on my playlist is Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles, a song that for the last few years I have really felt speak to me, the haunting lyrics of;

'All the lonely people Where do they all come from? All the lonely people Where do they all belong?'

Seems particulary relevant today, but yesterday the last verse stuck out to me;

'Eleanor rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father mckenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved'

How sad to think of the mourning that goes on, sadder is to think of the mourning that does not, those who die alone.

I have my playlist on a random play thingy, after the Beatles came Coldplay 'Fix You', very relevant and of course with the beautiful line

'And I will try to fix you'

There is so much pain in the world, so much more pain than even those we know who are in pain can imagine, I want to cry out for it all, because it needs fixed.