In my head

When I got with my then girlfriend, who became my wife, my head was a mess. I had so many questions, so many desires. I thought I had been missing out on so much. I thought my life had been so sheltered, and everyone else had been living. I thought there were so many people I knew who were good people. I thought God had to be more of what I wanted rather than what He wanted. I was bitter with what I saw as constant judgement, I did not see any life or freedom in Christ.

I went looking for easy answers, I read books on other religions, I looked into the occult, where you seem to get proof, but proof of what. I still loved Jehovahs witnesses coming to my door, so I could argue with them, every Christmas and Easter there was a prayer from me that went up to God, to thank Him and every time I was in need, I called out to Him. In my darkest times crying out to Him.

With the birth of our second child, Tanya dropped into post natal depression. I did not understand. I don't think I wanted to. I looked after the kids as best I could, worked my socks off and started to drink very heavily. I grew bitter with Tanya. You can't see mental illness, its not like being phyically sick. There are happy times and then there are dark times.

I grew angry, I lost my temper easily, and that destructive anger is something I still struggle with now. I started thinking and behaving very selfishly, started folllowing the world more and more. There were drugs and drink and my behaviour with women was inappropriate. Me and Tanya's relationship was up and down like a yoyo. We even briefly seperated and when we came back together, things started to change.

Firstly, Tanya came out of her depression, it was not the counselling or the drugs, one day she picked up a bible and started to read. ( If you ever get the chance, Tanya's testimony is on her blog somewhere). As a couple we started to question everything around us, we started to question the world, our lives, our spirituality. What had we achieved, where were we going, We decided to leave our Hometown, Grays, we left the trappings of society, the house, the friends, I kept my job, we moved into the caravan we owned.

More next time.